H for Here I Am

Have you ever been so incredibly stressed and exhausted that you can’t even stand being around yourself? Yeah…that’s me right now. I know that must make it seem all the more odd than I’m suddenly resurrecting this blog that died a slow death towards the beginning of the year.

I’m back because I think this can be a good self-care outlet for me. It definitely has been before. And, since I’ll have to do a lot of journaling in the near future as part of my senior social work field placement, I should have a regular source of material soon. Actually, I have billions millions lots of ideas now for things I can write about that have already happened. In short, I have no shortage of material. What I do have is a shortage of time, but that’s nothing new.

I really wanted this blog to serve as a record of my time in social work school, and I ruined that by giving up so soon and putting it on the back burner. I have literally been in a sort of survival mode for at least the past six months though. Meaning every little thing in my life was prioritized and scheduled, and some things just didn’t make the cut. That's just how it had to be in order for me to survive social work school and life in general.

Going forward, I’m going to try to schedule at least weekly posts to summarize what has happened and what is yet to happen (as it happens). If I find myself with an abundance of rare free time, I’ll write a post or two and schedule them for the future. For now, a list of highlights and lowlights that have occurred over the past six months…some of which may or may not be expanded on in the future.

Highlights

• I ran a 10k (6.2 miles…AND I didn’t die)!!! I said back in March that I wanted to complete a 10k by the end of the year, and I ended up feeling ready (at least as ready as I could be) three days before my birthday in May. I wanted to finish in under an hour and a half, and I did (though just slightly). Of course, I didn’t run for almost two whole months after that due to time and other factors, but I recently found my way back to running and hope to maintain a running once a week schedule.
• I’ve maintained my 4.0 GPA. With less than 5 months* left of social work school, I have managed to maintain my 4.0 GPA. (*Technically…at least at the bachelor’s level. I will be extending my senior field placement into February in order to earn more credits that I need to make graduation numbers and to take less time off of work per week. I also am a masochist have fallen in love with clinical social work, which requires an MSW, so I’m thinking about torturing myself retaining student status for at least another year to complete my masters degree. IF I can find the time to do the entrance essays!)
• I not only survived, but also thrived in, my first social work field placement (internship). I will definitely talk more about this one in the future. I completed my last week working with emotionally and behaviorally disturbed children experiencing mental health crisis at the beginning of this month, and I’m still incredibly sad that it’s over. I did not for a million years think I’d enjoy working with children, especially this particular population. I walked away from the experience a new person. I absolutely fell in love with the clientele, crisis work, and have affirmed that social work is, indeed, the right line of work for me. I’m nervous and excited for senior field placement to begin in September.
• I removed my toxic mother from my life. My mother has been toxic and emotionally abusive my whole life, and I finally got the strength and courage (and got sick enough of her crap) to remove her from my life. No longer do I have to put up with her incessant, unrealistic demands, accusations, and whining.

Lowlights

• I’ve maintained my 4.0 GPA. Wait? WHAT?! Yeah…it’s definitely a highlight and an accomplishment, but it’s left me completely exhausted and super burnt out. Every semester, I’ve said I won’t work myself so hard and that I’ll adopt the “sometimes done is better than perfect” motto, and every semester I work my butt off and stress myself out to get As. I rationalize that this is necessary, because getting into grad school is competitive, so I need as high a GPA as possible. I could definitely afford to let up on myself a bit though. I’m trying. I really am. It’s a process.
• I removed my toxic mother from my life. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t miss the drama. However, there isn’t a complete lack of drama. Every once in a while, my mom rears her ugly head in attempt to bring me back into her life or to vent her anger at me, and this particular drama is far worse than any ever was before. She’s awful, vindictive, and spews some of the nastiest venom. I don’t have the energy or inclination to deal with it at this point, so sometimes it makes me completely lose my s---- and just breakdown, which isn’t cool. Also, I haven’t seen my nephew in months and my sister barely speaks to me anymore (she needs to keep things good with mom, who serves as her daycare, etc.). I’ve made my peace with all of that, but that’s not to say it doesn’t get difficult at times.
• My sister is pregnant. With her abuser’s baby. (For backstory, you can search around the blog and find more info on my sister and her abuser.) Yeah…that’s pretty much ‘nough said, huh? They’re not back together. Yet. This will be their third child together, and they really can’t handle (mentally, emotionally, or financially) the two they already have. It was a “stupid moment of weakness” type thing. My sister isn’t proud of it. My mind is boggled as to why she chose to keep it, but that is her decision and hers alone.

So, that’s that, lovely reader. (If there are any left.) Though I haven’t been commenting, I’ve been reading the blogs of those I used to read and comment on regularly. With school winding down and me only having to take a couple classes a week instead of 4-6, I'm hoping to be around a whole lot more.

L for Lovin' It

It’s finals week. I’ve been beyond stressed. If you follow me on Twitter, you already know it’s that kind of stress that completely paralyzes you, thus preventing you from actually completing the things you need to get done. It's totally my fault. I procrastinated and I am really too much of an overachiever at times.

By writing this post, I am procrastinating even more (I don't learn lessons sometimes...or maybe some habits are just hard to break.) and further delaying the inevitable: my Philosophy of Religion final. It’s the only thing I have left to do to complete the semester. It’s the only thing standing between me and two whole weeks of vacation from school and homework. Unfortunately, it’s a 3 hour essay exam, and I’ve already checked out for the semester. I have until midnight tonight to take it, so it’s going down tonight after dinner, whether or not I feel ready.

In the mean time, none of the things bouncing around in my head are themselves worthy of a full blog post, so I thought I’d give you a quick list of things I’m loving and things I’m hating loving not so much at the moment.

LOVING:

Dansko shoes. It took me a bit of work to figure out which European size I needed to accommodate my rather large, rather wide feet, but once I got it figured out, I fell in love. I am not the type of girl who falls in love with shoes. Seriously. Ask anyone who knows me. To me shoes serve an imporant function, but they are hardly worth loving. I most certainly am not accustomed to paying more than like $20 for a pair. However, in the past month, I’ve purchased three pairs of Danskos. My justifications for these purchases (not that I need to justify them) are as follows:

(1) I have a surplus of money now that I’m no longer wasting it on cigarettes, junk food, and fast food. I seriously just do not seem to spend money anymore. It’s mind boggling how much money I used to spend on cigarettes, lunch, and snacks every single day. Now, I allow myself to purchase lunch as a "treat" every week, but that's about all the money I spend.

(2) The shoes are very well made and sturdy, which means they should last at least a few years, which is something my Payless cheap shoe buying self isn’t used to. The price of one pair divided by the number of years I’d expect them to last (3-5) makes the price of each pair much more reasonable.

(3) I purchased the first pair at a greatly reduced price—they are a season or two old (a detail that doesn’t matter to me) and I found a fantastic online sale. I thought they were too small, so with the intention of returning them, I went to an actual shoe store to get sizing advice before reordering from online. There, I fell in love with and purchased the second pair. (Because I'm a sucker for shoes that make my giant feet look cute and small.) Days later I realized the first pair was actually a size large than the second, and thus were not in fact too small but just needed to be broken in. I therefore decided to keep the first pair. You’ll note that the first two pairs are more dressy type shoes; they’re meant for work. Of course, I needed a casual pair too, and the embroidered clogs were just too cute to resist.

Adele’s 21 Album. It’s so full of awesome. The girl can sing! Love, love, love, love, love this album. So much. It’s on continuous play in my car.

Fage Greek Yogurt. This yogurt rocks my socks off! It’s so rich and creamy that it almost seems too good to be true. A decadent indulgence, it’s become a staple in my diet (and Musicman’s too). Costco sells large tubs of the plain for a very reasonable price, so we stock up each week. I love the versatility of the plain—I’ve found about a gazillion ways to flavor it. My favorite, by far, is mixing a tablespoon of lemon curd into a cup of yogurt and letting it sit overnight. So freakin’ delicious! I never used to be a breakfast person, and now I look forward to breakfast every day. Because it’s packed with protein, the yogurt combined with some fruit and/or a bit of cereal for crunch keeps me full until lunch time.

Quinoa. Not only is it fun to say, but it's delicious and fun to eat too. There is something about the texture that I just love. Combined with blackbeans, corn, onion, and various seasonings (specifically cumin and cayenne), it makes a super delicious southwest-style salad. Yummmmmmmmmm!

Weight Watchers Points Plus Plan. I’m amazed at how well it’s working, and I truly don’t feel deprived at all. I still eat delicious pizza, cake, and cookies, but I’ve learned that moderation and planning are key. I’m finding that my tastes have changed too. For example, I now crave certain fruits and vegetables. I simply must get some fresh fruits and veggies in everyday or something feels off. (Though I do have to admit that tracking every single thing I eat gets tedious at times. The end result, however, is totally worth it.)

This semester is almost over. My two week "summer" vacation starts tomorrow, and though I have no grand plans, I couldn't be more thrilled. I swear this semester has been longer than any other over the past two years.

My husband. (Duh, right?!) I saved the best for last. What can I say? Musicman is amazing. He’s my rock, my inspiration, my head cheerleader, and my all around most favorite person in the whole wide world. I feel so fortunate to have found and married someone who is such a perfect match for me. Our marriage is more than just a partnership; we truly are best friends. I love that we are very like-minded, but different enough that we complement each other so well. He truly brings out the best in me, and I’m just loving having him by my side through this amazing journey we call life. I truly don't know if I'd have made it this far with school without his encouragement and support.

Loving NOT so much:

Asthma/Allergies. The ridiculous weather we’ve had in Minnesota (snowing and 40’s last week, 90 and humid yesterday) over the past month hasn’t helped, but I have been downright miserable more days than not over the past few weeks. I was forced to take a hiatus from running due to the fact that I just could not seem to breathe after a certain point. I’m sad. I miss C25K (kinda), and with how much time I’ve taken off, I feel like I’m going to have to start all over. If I ever manage to get the breathing thing under control, that is.

I had a physical last week and the doctor ran a bunch of tests, but I haven’t heard anything about results yet. She prescribed an inhaler that has yet to really make a difference, and she didn’t seem too concerned about the fact that I sometimes have trouble catching my breath after even the smallest amount of exertion—like carrying the laundry up the stairs. I’m frustrated and worried. What if it’s something serious like emphysema? I know I’m probably too young for that, but it wouldn’t entirely be surprising after all the years I smoked. I might need to seek a second opinion.Not being able to breathe is just not cool.

Work. More often than not, it is abundantly clear that this is just not the environment for me. How I’ve lasted at my company for 14 years, and in this job for about half of that time, is completely beyond me. Some days are so bad in terms of frustration and ridiculousness that I really question whether I can survive another few years here with my sanity intact.

Asshat Drivers. I think I may have mentioned before that I might possibly have a slight tinge of the road rage. It's one of the things Musicman loves about me. (No. Really. It is. He finds it Hilarious! Apparently I am a completely different person once I'm behind the wheel of a car.) Nothing gets my blood boiling faster than when Adele and I are belting out the performance of a lifetime in my car, and the beautiful moment is interrupted by my screams of “Way to go, douche!” “Learn to drive, twat waffle!” and “Die, asshat!” I cannot control this automatic response to the jackassery of the moronic drivers around me; it's hardcoded. I don't think it helps that people seem to assume that since I drive the cute, apparently feminine, VW Beetle that I don't mind being pushed around on the road. Yes! Go ahead and cut me off, because that totally makes my day. Said people quickly learn that they were incredibly wrong in their assumptions as the Bug's horn isn't as whimpy as one would think, and I use it often.

The Redesigned VW Beetle. I'm glad I got my Beetle when I did, because VW has totally ruined it! I read somewhere that one of their golas with the redesign was to make it more masculine. WHY?!? Why does everything in this world have to appeal to men? They've gone and completely ruined a classic because men needed a more manly car. Really?!? There weren't enough masculine options out there already?

Weather. It’s been an absolute roller-coaster of ridiculousness weather-wise here in Minnesota. Given how long the cold weather stuck around, I feared we’d end up skipping spring (one of my favorite seasons) and heading straight into the dog days of summer. And, it looks like that’s exactly what’s going to happen. It was 90 degrees and stiflingly humid when I walked out of work yesterday. In other words, disgusting. With my birthday coming up in a couple weeks, all I’m wishing for is some lovely spring-like weather to offer an easy transition into the summer heat and humidity.

Also? Sandal season is coming. I want to order some Dansko sandals, because I’m betting they’ll be just as great as the shoes. However, I cannot justify spending a couple hundred more dollars on shoes. Sadly, the sandals I already have will have to get me through one more summer. (Or at least the next month or so. Maybe then I can justify buying at least one pair of Dansko sandals.)

What about you, lovely reader? What are you loving? What are you loving not so much? Any tips on how I can change my procrastinating ways?

S for Stresserella

I am a total Stresserella, lovely reader!! (Not to be confused with her prettier, more even keeled sister, Cinderella.) As you might remember, I’m leaving this Sunday to go to Lake Tahoe for a software conference that work is sending me to. I wish I were more excited, especially since MusicMan is joining me on the trip, but I’m just not. Because I’m overwhelmingly stressed!! I have a lot to do before we go: homework, cleaning the house, doing laundry, packing, etc. And, with a new class starting the day before we leave, I’m really starting to worry about getting behind on class work.

I was hoping to be at least a chapter ahead in algebra class by now, because then I’d have no worries about missing one whole week of class next week. However, I’m only about half a chapter ahead at the moment, so I have some serious catching up to do. With Psychology class starting Saturday, more homework is sure to be added to the mix. I’m starting to feel like I won’t have any free time while we’re in Tahoe, because any time that I’m not at the conference, I’ll need to be working on homework. That translates to this trip being anything but fun, which translates to me being a sad, sad girl.

I was thinking that, if I could get far enough ahead in math, I could create a cushion so that homework wouldn’t get overwhelming once Psychology started. I’m probably stressing more than I need to over this, because I’ve heard that the bulk of Psychology homework is staying on top of reading, but stressing seems to be what I do best. Since I’ve heard that Psychology class mainly consists of lectures, reading, and quizzes, I should be fine as long as I can manage to stay on top of the required reading each week. I’m confident that I’ll figure out a way to get further ahead in algebra; even if that means working on homework through lunch breaks at work, which isn’t ideal, but is an option I can exercise.

I should be able to do some reading and catching up on the plane and in the airport while I wait for my flights, because I have a connection in Phoenix both on the way out and on the way back. Unfortunately, all of my math homework and the textbook are online, so I can’t really do much on the plane. Technically, I’m not behind, so I shouldn’t really worry too much. I’m just not where I thought I would be is all. I hate when things don't work out exactly as I've planned.

Speaking of connecting flights, I’m super worried about that. It’s been years since I’ve flown anywhere, and I’ve never flown anything but direct flights, so I have quite a few concerns. Like: what if they don’t transfer my luggage from plane to plane? It seems that there’s a high likelihood that someone somewhere could mess this up, which could mean my luggage would stay in Phoenix while I go on to Reno. I will pack an outfit in my carry on just in case, but that’s only one outfit; I cannot wear the same outfit for three days! Not to mention that I’d have to go out and buy necessities like: makeup, contact solution, deodorant, lotion, etc.

Also, what if the planes aren’t running on time, causing me to miss my connection?! I have two and a half hours in Phoenix on the way out, so I should be okay there. You don’t often hear of flights running over two hours late. I think…I hope. On the way back, however, there’s only 45 minutes of wait time in Phoenix. The odds of missing that connection seem quite a bit higher, which is so not good. As it stands, if everything works perfectly and I make the connection, I’m set to land back in Minnesota at about 11:30 pm. That’s late; especially considering that I have to work the next day! Can you imagine what will happen if I miss the connection?! That would suck so hard!

I know that I really need to learn not to stress over the things I can’t control. There’s absolutely nothing I can do about either of these situations, so there’s really no use worrying about them. Unless the time comes. And then? I will lose my shit freak the hell out and maybe cry. Let's just hope that all of the pilots, baggage people, and all other airline/airport workers bring their "A game" and that everything runs smoothly.

MusicMan’s best friend, Geoff, is coming to stay at the house to take care of the dogs, which means the house has to be cleaned. MusicMan is going to take care of that this week, but I feel awful that I can’t pitch in and help. My housekeeping skills have been seriously lacking since I started school, and I feel just awful about it. MusicMan doesn’t seem to mind too much, but I don’t like feeling as though he does the bulk of the work while I do nothing. Well, not completely nothing—I do the laundry weekly and wipe down kitchen and bathroom counters daily—but I don’t do as much as MusicMan does to keep our house clean.

I’m super glad and relieved that Geoff was available to take care of the dogs for us. Sending them to doggy daycare would’ve been wicked expensive, and there are not many people we trust with our dogs. I know that sounds crazy and ridiculous, but they’re our kids. I’ll just leave it at that, because I learned long ago that if people don’t understand this, there’s no use in trying to explain it. Let’s just leave it at: we’re those people.

Our parents aren’t necessarily those people (at least not to the degree we are), so they were immediately out of the running. Also, none of them would be able to stay at our house with the dogs, which was ideally what we wanted. While Lucy isn’t very high maintenance, our rescued dog, Dexter, is. Dexter does much better, and would be most comfortable, in the environment that he’s used to. We wanted Lucy and Dexter to be with someone who will take care of them the same way as we would (or as close as possible, at least).

When we started thinking of who to call, we could only think of two people that (1) we trusted enough, (2) would possibly be available to do it without being too put out, and (3) don’t mind that the dogs sleep in the bed: Geoffy and CousinFriend. Since Geoffy is a single guy with no other obligations, we called him first. Thankfully he was available. I have two pages of notes and instructions ready for him.

I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but in my defense, half a page of notes is miscellaneous stuff like: make sure to jiggle the toilet handle if the toilet runs, how to clean up any “accidents” Dexter might have, and instructions for logging on to the internet, using the TV and remotes, etc. Also, we feed our dogs a raw diet, so feeding them isn’t just as easy as pouring kibble into a bowl. (Though we do feed pre-made raw food, so it’s not too time consuming either. It’s just that the food needs to be thawed overnight, portioned out, and cut up, and a clean bowl needs to be used for each meal.) This is the first time we’ll be away from the dogs for so long, and also the first time we’re leaving them in someone else’s care, so hopefully it goes well.

To summarize, I’m a total Stresserella and have a lot of things to get done in the next few days! Please keep your fingers crossed for me, lovely reader.

Have you ever flown with connecting flights? How’d it go? (And, if it didn’t go well, just pretend I didn’t ask.)