W for Wayback Wednesday (Part 5)

Welcome to another edition of Wayback Wednesday! This series is made up of old blog posts from a few years ago. If you'd like to, you can catch up by reading previous editions first. We’re gonna jump into the Wayback Machine and travel to Monday, August 28, 2006…


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I've gotta admit that I was worried that I'd never hear from Music Man again after spending ten hours with him on Saturday. Don't get me wrong...I was my lovely, funny, playful, fabulous self all day long (or at least I tried to be), but I worry about things I shouldn't (it's just what I do). So, it is with much pride and excitement that I tell you that we've talked twice since then—once yesterday and once today. We will be getting together again on Thursday night. We have no idea what we'll do, but we agreed that we'll definitely have to force ourselves to end the evening at a reasonable time considering that (1) we have to work the next day, and (2) we seem to have a "horrible" problem of losing track of time when we're together.

I find myself trying to be restrained and to temper my excitement at seeing him again. I don't know why. I think it's because I really really really like him and really enjoy spending time with him, and I just don't want to get too excited. I don't want to get my hopes up or to think too far ahead, because I think that's just a recipe for disappointment and/or hurt. Still shielding the heart; I'll totally admit it. I think that's totally understandable and natural though, considering my relationship history. I mean, I think I have a pretty big heart, which means lots of surface area exposed to the sometimes cruel, harsh universe.

I also realized that the more time we spend together, the closer we're getting to that "next level" territory. You know, like more physical contact than just a hug. Now, while that's exciting, it also scares the hell out of me! I'm seriously terrified! About what? I'm not quite sure. I'm not talking about sex, mind you. I think it's too early to talk about that, and I can't even think about it without getting all worked up (not in a good way) and practically hyperventilating. I know you'll find it hard to believe, but even for me some things are sacred and not to be planned in advance or discussed with others. Sex is one of those things.

What I'm mostly talking about is that "first kiss." Ever the planner, I keep trying to figure out all the details of when it should happen, how it will happen, etc. I know that I think I'm ready for it to happen. Well, that's just clear as mud, isn't it? See what I'm talking about now?! You know what I've discovered? There's no planning it, and I think that's what's making me so anxious. I know it's another one of those things that you're supposed to just let happen and enjoy it when it does.

You never get a second chance at a first kiss. I think that's why I'm so concerned about it. Having never done this whole dating thing before, I just have no idea what to anticipate or prepare for. I mean, it would certainly help if I could somehow prepare for it, but I know that can't happen. Right now I just have to force myself to accept that (or BFF will force me to). One way or another, I'll get there. For now, I'm just not going to think about anything except seeing him on Thursday and enjoying our time together.